Sister Wives are criminals…..

I will start off by saying I do not exactly consider myself a polygamist supporter.  But I do have to ask what the fuss is about and why the feds really give a damn.  The women are clearly there of their own wishes.  Is Kody trying to claim taxes for all of the marriages?  Are there marriage certificates filed with the county for all of them.  (Obviously not ALL, since one is still a fiance.)  I have not watched the show so I am not sure of all it’s ins and outs.  But I do have to wonder why the law really cares.  And would they be trying to persecute the man if he simply had 3 or 4 families on the DL that he moved between.  Would it be more legal and less frowned upon if he were just a “player”? If the women didn’t know about each other?  I really just don’t get it.  

Looming

Every day that passes, and every day that this marriage deteriorates, I stare further and further down the barrel of impending single parenthood.  Damn, I love him and I so want the happy ending with us growing old in rocking chairs together.  But I seem to be the only one willing to put effort into achieving that image….he seems content to just sit and wait for me to make it happen myself.  But my daughter deserves a better role model for what love should truly be like between two people.  I do not want her to grow up believing it is a one sided contract with someone who has enough money to put food in your mouth and a fancy roof over your head.  So maybe the old man in the rocking chair next to me needs to be recast…after a long time of building ME again and then serious auditions!

Tired….

…of feeling like this.

…of letting my daughter see my like this.

…of watching my husband walk out of a room and not care how much I hurt.

…of wanting so much to be productive but not being able to find it in myself to do.

…of wishing this weight would go away.

…of being angry at myself for gaining it.

…of thinking that so much would start to improve if I could just get motivated to change myself….but not being able to start.

…of realizing how many more “legitimate” problems my friends and acquaintances have compared to my own.

…of making this list.  It’s not helping like I thought it might.

In case it never occurred to you…

Combining sexual frustration with social frustration is NOT a good combo.

Right now I just want to curl up in the big, burly arms of some trustworthy teddy bear of a man and cry. Let out all of the sadness, anger, loneliness, frustration and hurt of the past 3 yrs. Then maybe I can emerge from the cocoon of his arms with all off the strength, independence, security, happiness, and wholeness I had as a butterfly before I was reduced back to a caterpillar.

WARNINIG: whining and bitching

So I had all 4 wisdom teeth removed yesterday. Hubby was kind enough to take the time off to take me to my appt. I thought he took today off, too, to keep our 2 yr old entertained. He didn’t. And to top it off, my car has been in the shop since Wed. I’m uncomfortable, want nothing more than to curl up and take a nap, but still have to go to the grocery store since he had to work this afternoon…even though I’ve twice seen him reading his book in his office. When he had his corrective procedure for his eyes, I babied and cared for him. When does Momma get taken care of? :(

You would think by the time you reach your 30’s you would learn not to let others’ opinions intrude on your self worth.

It seems, over time, tears have become nocturnal. The harsh light of day only makes the problems more glaring and apparent. But the tears? They stay out of sight until all are safely tucked in their beds and we are the only ones around.